How to Hack your Sex Life (Part 1)

Sometimes all you want is just a really great hack to make your life just a little bit easier. I mean who hasn’t benefited from using floss to cut perfect cinnamon rolls (be sure to use unscented floss…)? 

As your resident sexpert, I thought it would be helpful to identify a few ways that you can hack your sex life. Small tweaks for big wins. Now, I must share the disclaimer: if you hate sex, these hacks will not make you love it. But if you’re looking for ways to move that needle just a little bit, then these hacks are for you. 

Hack #1: Get your zzzzs: Yep, sleep has a direct impact on your libido. The less sleep you get, the less energy (and interest in doing things you enjoy) you have. And since sex is usually one of the last things on many busy parent’s to-do lists, we need all the extra energy we can get. Sleep is one of the best ways to increase our interest in sex. And there’s science to support this. A recent study found that women who got an extra hour of sleep were 14% more likely to engage in partnered sexual activity. Women in this study who slept longer were also more easily aroused. This may be the evidence needed for your partner to let you sleep in. 

Hack #2: Review your meds. As the use of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medicines increase, it’s important to be aware of their impact on your libido. I am not a medical doctor and I would never tell you to stop taking your medicine without consulting your medical provider first. I do think it’s important to know that SSRIs can significantly reduce one’s interest in sex and can also make it difficult to become aroused, maintain arousal, and even achieve orgasm. Not everyone taking an SSRI will have these side effects. But if this is a concern for you, then definitely discuss them with your medical provider. 

Hack #3: Stress management. I know, I know. Another person telling you that stress is bad for you. And while I 100% believe that stress is slowly killing most of us, I won’t overwhelm you with all that information. But I will tell you that stress, more specifically responsibility, will have a significant impact on your interest in sex. When we are stressed, our nervous system is activated and put in an alert state. Guess what shuts down when we’re in a stressed state? Our reproductive system. Our brain and body think we’re in danger and stopping to get it on is not on the list of top priorities. Surviving is. So our stress hormones increase and our happy hormones decrease. Unless our body has an opportunity to return to a non-stress state (i.e. complete the stress cycle), then we stay in this elevated stress state. 

I realize that telling someone to lower their stress levels is honestly laughable. So here is what I will encourage you to do. Identify the three things that seem to stress you out the most. List out why they feel stressful. Then ask yourself, how can I make this 5% or 10% less stressful? Is there a way that I can delete or delegate this task? And if you can’t, really focus on making it just slightly less stressful. Because when we’re able to move the needle just slightly, we’re able to sustain change. And sustained change is what leads to a more fulfilling life. 

Hack #4: Minimize distractions. Maybe your struggle isn’t that you lack interest. Maybe it’s that once you start getting physical, your brain is distracted by all the things. So I want you to do a little experiment the next time you’re gettn’ busy. I want you to just notice the things that distract you. Make a mental list. Maybe you notice the dog scratching at the door. Maybe you notice that your feet get really cold. Maybe you notice the pile of laundry that still hasn’t been put away. Whatever it is, don’t try and solve it in the moment. Finish what (or who) you’re doing and then write down everything that you noticed. Then before you get it on the next time, address those distractions. If your feet got cold last time, wear socks. If you were bothered by the pile of laundry, put it away (or, let’s be honest, just move it to another room). This is a great thing to discuss with your partner also. Because everyone wants a partner that’s present during sex, sharing your distractions can be a great way to brainstorm how to be more focused together. Maybe they get distracted too. Maybe not…but I’m sure they’d love to help you be less distracted so you can really enjoy the sexual experience. 

Our interest in sex, as well as our arousal, are impacted by many things. It’s never just one thing, but usually addressing one thing can have a positive impact on sexual activity. If you struggle with sexual desire, I’d encourage you to check out my book, for more insight and helpful tips.