We don’t talk about this; not out loud anyway. Not during playgroup, bible study, around the dinner table, and oftentimes not even to our closest girlfriends.
We are the women who love people battling addiction.
Who We Are
Some of us are wives of struggling soldiers, children of parents we can no longer help from our new location, parents of children who have fallen victim to the ‘wrong crowd’. Most are mamas holding the whole house together and keeping life as normal as possible, all while barely holding onto themselves.
While the addiction itself may not live in us, the weight of it still lives with us.
This is for the women carrying the unseen weight; for the ones braving detoxes and relapses in the quiet shadows. This is the story behind the smile, behind the tidy Instagram squares, behind the “I’m fine” replies.
In 2023, the United States Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services reported that 1 in 8 children living within the United States lives in a household with at least one parent who has a substance use disorder, making it one of the leading reasons for child welfare involvement. Additionally, around 10% of active-duty members met the criteria for a substance use disorder, and nearly 1 in 3 reported binge drinking within the past month as of 2020 statistics. Note: statistics surrounding this topic for service members may likely be higher due to underreporting.
Dealing With a Partner’s Addiction
Additionally, a study in Military Medicine found that military spouses dealing with a partner’s addiction often suffer in silence. Finding that they may fear that reporting substance use risks damaging their service member’s career, lack confidential support, and or are frequently interrupted by moves and deployments that disrupt access to consistent care and support.
While research may help validate our pain, the statistics don’t capture the quiet grief of watching someone you love unravel while holding your life together. The invisible work of loving someone who may be present but is not here at the same time. They don’t show the late-night pleading, silent knowing looks when sensitive topics are brought up at parties, the locked bathroom doors, or the ache of pretending.
The calculations in our minds of; “What can I say? Who can I trust? What happens if they find out? How do I help them? How do I free myself?”
The tensions between protecting their career, keeping them grounded, and protecting your sanity.
The silence behind your beautiful smile.
Easing the Burden
No study can measure the thousand tiny decisions made in silence. The internal negotiations of routes to choose and lives to protect, so how do we make it easier for our military spouses to not feel that they need to suffer in silence when they are living in this reality?
Let’s think of them as tiny lifelines. That one friend who doesn’t react when you say, “He relapsed again,” or the resource that moves with you that doesn’t require retelling your story for the tenth time. Spouses need even just one safe place, a space where their reality isn’t met with advice but with active listening. Support for spouses of addicts, especially within the military, needs to be reimagined. Not just through formal support programs but through community acknowledgement. The need for these spouses to be able to seek the guidance of a nonjudgmental friend, a chaplain trained in addiction dynamics, a consistent peer group that holds space for the spouse, much like an NA or AA meeting would for the one suffering the addiction, through a leader who encourages that seeking help is a sign of strength, not failure or weakness.
Resources
With the rising need for these situations, there are currently some successful resources for our military families to seek guidance from:
Military OneSource offers confidential support 24/7, including referrals to therapists who understand military dynamics and substance use
Military & Family Life Counselors (MFLCs) are available on most installations for non-medical, no-notes counseling. For those inside the Army, ASAP (Army Substance Abuse Program) offers education and guidance for family members alongside service members.
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon provide community for people who love someone struggling with addiction.
SMART Recovery: Family & Friends offers a practical, secular approach focused on healthy boundaries and emotional tools.
Families Anonymous, LifeRing, and online meetings are all places where no one asks for your backstory or service affiliation; they just want you present and supported.
Sometimes support will look like therapy, other times it can be the neighbor you confide in who sees your struggle and drops off dinner, or a moment with yourself in quiet honesty during a breakdown in the parking lot. Anywhere that there is room to be seen without explaining. A moment to breathe or even have some ‘normal’ fun! So for those suffering in silence behind that beautiful smil,e know that you are not overreacting, you are not alone and feeling is not weakness.
Though I can’t hug you through a screen, I want you to feel seen when reading this, so here is my attempt at an anonymous love letter to your heart:
To the ones who have not had support lately and may be suffering. To the ones who deeply love their service member, parent, child, friend, whoever it may be, who is struggling with addiction in their lives. To the ones craving peace and understanding:
You are doing heartbreaking, holy, unseen work within your life.
You deserve a safe space to fall apart or speak your mind freely.
You can and will rebuild.
There are people and resources in your life to hold space for you; reach out often.
Your desire for peace and love is not unreasonable.
This will not break you.
Your family can and will survive this, one way or another.
Your true friends want to be there for you even in the ugly; let them be.
Your heart is beautifully and wonderfully made.
Not every burden is yours to bear.
Seeking guidance is not a burden on others or a weakness.
Stop suffering in silence.
We may never all sit in the same room wearing matching outfits that showcase we’ve lived through it, but we are out here. Holding our breath, biting our tongues, and holding down the fort on the home front. Even if our only outlet to reach you is through these words (maybe that’s where it starts), let’s focus on less hiding, less shame, less isolation. Our stories matter not just because they are hard to tell but because we are still here to tell them. We tell these stories not for pity but for light. Sometimes naming the pain is the first step towards healing.
If you or someone you love needs immediate emergency help surrounding this or other heavy topics, please seek it:
SAMHSA National Helpline: A free and completely confidential 24/7 line—available in English and Spanish—for info and referrals to treatment and support for individuals and families. 1‑800‑662‑HELP (4357) or text HELP4U (your ZIP code)
VA Veterans Crisis Line: For military-connected individuals, especially partners of veterans: call 988, then press 1, or chat/text 838255 for emotional support or crisis help.
Find more from the Military Moms Collective- Addiction in the Family: The Journey and Lessons Learned
