I’m a Mother-in-Law… Now What? I asked myself this very question the day my son casually mentioned that his girlfriend might be “the one.”
Truthfully? I knew she was the one the minute I heard her voice over the phone. This is our story and the lessons I’ve since learned, taught myself, and occasionally tripped over on the way.
The Backstory: My Boy, the Military, and My Prayers
I’m the mom of a chatty, witty, old-soul kind of guy. When he left home to join the military, I had a full-blown panic attack imagining him 2,000 miles away, alone, wandering the frozen tundra without proper snacks.
After the panic subsided, I realized he was going to be just fine. Still, I prayed for God to place kind, supportive humans in his path. God delivered.
The Rug That Started It All
My memory of him first mentioning his future wife is a little fuzzy. Mostly because I assumed she’d remain “just a friend.” She is also an Airman at the same base as him. He’d sworn that he was focused on his military career. But then he told me she had painted a rug for his doorstep for Halloween.
Painted.
A. Rug.
She was a DIY Princess. And I said as much out loud. Because honestly, who decorates a rug for a guy unless she really cares?
The ER Visit That Changed Everything
Fast-forward a little, and my son needed to go to the ER for something, thankfully minor. This sweet girl immediately volunteered to bring him. She handled the drive, the nerves, the doctors, and the updates like she’d trained her whole life for this exact medical moment.
She texted and called me with the sweetest:
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I believe he’ll be just fine, Ma’am.”
and,
“I’ll stay with him.”
I can’t explain it except to say…She cared for him with a gentleness that reached right into my mother’s heart and squeezed. I knew, in that moment, I was either going to be a team player or the opponent.
And that’s when it hit me…I was going to be a mother-in-law.
I sat back in prayer and begged God to guide my steps. I did not want to be THAT mother-in-law. The one that lives in all the scary books and movies.
I wanted to be a safe place.
Warm. Kind. Calm-ish.
And… not “too much.” (Much harder than it sounds.)
The questions started swirling:
- How do I connect with her without overwhelming her?
- How do I stay close to my son without alienating the woman he loves?
- How do I do this right?
What I Learned
Don’t interrogate her like she’s being deposed.
Start by being inviting and warm. I asked about crafts, baking, and all the little things I knew she enjoyed, thanks to my son’s hints. We chatted about where she grew up, family stories, funny Christmas traditions, and all the things that open doors without prying.
Pro tip: Don’t make it about you! Let her decide when she wants to know more about your life.
Don’t listen to respond – listen to actually hear her.
Active listening looks like:
- Nodding
- Eye contact
- Saying “No way!” at least once
- Not planning dinner in your head while she’s talking
Even if you can’t meet in person yet, FaceTime works. Presence matters, even digital presence.
- Share Your Experiences
Vulnerability builds connection. But keep it simple, light, and relatable.
Example:
I knew she was deep in her Sourdough Era, so I casually mentioned, “I killed my sourdough starter named Fleaux.”
Boom. Instant humanity. No need to unload every life story you’ve ever lived.
- Find Common Ground
It usually shows up in the weirdest places.
Our common ground? A painted rug and baking.
I dream of being Martha Stewart (despite the fact that I once burned an Easy-Bake Oven cake). She can whip up cake with no recipe, no measuring… probably blindfolded, if required.
Common ground doesn’t need to be profound. It just needs to be real. Don’t make it about your son. Make it about her. Every human wants to feel valued. Be the person who makes her feel that way.
That’s the kind of mother-in-law I’m striving to be, one thoughtful question, one shared laugh, one DIY rug at a time.
(I love you Aubree Faith!)
