What Resilience Means to Me as a Seasoned(ish) Milso

Resilience and the Two-Year Curse

If I had a penny for every time I have heard the word “resilience” in noun or adjective form, I would probably have enough money to buy a coffee and a sweet treat for myself today. My family suffers from something I like to call The 2 Year Curse. So far during our time as an Army family, we have never stayed anywhere for more than 2 years, or we come down on orders with a looming PCS within 2 years. Our longest duty station on record was Vilsek, Germany, at 2 years 6 months. Our shortest duty station was in Oklahoma, at 1 year and 6 months. At our current duty station, we made the mistake of letting our guard down and attempting to set down roots. I was getting back into the rhythm of teaching. On the afternoon of applying for what I considered a dream teaching position, my spouse’s leadership announced that their unit was disbanding. The Two-Year Curse strikes again. It was right before our 2-year mark here at Fort Carson.

So here we are again: planning to move with no timeline or official orders, researching EFMP access for our kids, and putting my career on hold.

My story is not unique. Many milsos have experienced situations like mine, or worse. In listening to spouses more seasoned than myself, I have learned plenty of tips and tricks for restarting. But also the resentment behind empty words of thanks that we receive for “doing it all.” In conversations with milsos less seasoned than myself, I understand that nothing prepares you very well to deal with the constant change, loneliness, and disappointment. The expectation for our junior spouses is so high. Many of them are doing this for the first time. We tend to throw around the word “resilient” so flippantly in the military community that it now carries a negative connotation.

Reframing What Resilience Means to Me

• Resilience means making a choice that is best for our family, which is not always what is best for the SM’s career
  This does not necessarily mean something as serious as a duty station, but that might be what your situation requires, too. This can be something as low-risk like attending an event because it “looks good” for the service member. In the beginning, it is easy to get caught up in sacrificing so much of your time and talents to see your service member do what is best for their career. You love them and want to see them do well! However, there is always a threshold of giving too much, which should always lead to a discussion about how to make your time and passions a priority, too.
• Resilience means calling your elected officials
  There are many choices that we don’t get to have a say in as military families. It is very easy to assume that we are subject to many policies that affect us. We follow the orders. It also feels incredibly discouraging when many of the issues within our community go unnoticed or dismissed by non-military friends, families, and large media outlets. Staying up to date on policies that affect our community and holding our elected officials accountable to their promises and poor choices is one of the most powerful things that you can do! If you have not downloaded the app 5 Calls, you can look up your local and home-of-record representatives with scripts on legislation that affects your family.
• Resilience means not participating in the martyr Olympics
  This one is for all my fellow seasoned spouses: it is time for us to learn to read the room! Our younger, junior spouses do not need to hear the many ways that we may have had life for difficult in the GWAT era. At no point is military life getting easier for anyone. We need to listen with empathy and determine if younger spouses are seeking help, encouragement, or need to vent to someone who “gets it.” We know a good bit, but we don’t know everything, and we can learn something new along the way.

  

• Resilience means using the phrase: “That does not work for our family. You are welcome to come visit us.”
  10/10. No notes.
• Resilience means lending my time and money to organizations that are benefiting the military community.
  I love a good dependa meme. Actually I like memes in general. That being said, it is really important to sort out the difference between milso influencers and milso advocates. There is a very fine line between a milso influencer who posts relatable content and a military advocate who is posting to inform and enact change in both local and national communities. Some of them are well known non-profits like SeaWaves or Stronghold Food Pantry, or it might be your local Spouse’s Club or volunteering as a coordinator for your Army Community Service play group. While meaningful connection can be made online, it does not replace the time we spend giving back to others in real time. The accounts that are making a difference in their communities are the ones encouraging you to spend your time contributing to something that you are passionate about, not spending more time on their profile or using their affiliate links. I am serious- parasocial relationships are not healthy. Go lend a hand, meet some people, and touch some grass.

  

  Resilience does not have to be an empty word, and there are choices that you can make as a military spouse when life feels out of control. It has allowed my frustration to go somewhere instead of sit inside me, when it comes to lack of control in this life. I am not obliviously obedient, but I am not so bitter that I can’t respond with empathy and encouragement. There will always be people in the military community that will call you “dependa,” or mock you for speaking up because “if the Army wanted you to have a spouse they would have issued you one.” Those voices aren’t ones you can control, the only one what you can control is your own. Let your resilience mean something- it does not have to be this grad plan, and you may never be recognized for it- but allow such a hollow word to have a positive impact on your life once more!