During the 16 years of my husband’s military commitment, we’ve lived in six different states. We’ve moved with kids and without kids. We’ve moved ourselves and had the military move us. We’ve moved eagerly and begrudgingly (okay, I have).
Despite so many moves, I often make mistakes along the way. While I’m sure I’ve made more than 7 after a PCS…let’s just start with these.
I hope at least one seems familiar. Not that I want you to make mistakes, of course. But in the “I’ve been there way,” ya know?
1. Made a generalized Facebook post looking for friends.
We’ve all made or at least seen the generalized Facebook posts looking for friends. It usually goes something like, “Hi, my name is —-. I have two kids, ages X and X. I like to drink coffee/play games/be social/not be social…yada yada.”
So why don’t they work? Too general.
I’m not bashing social media posts looking for friends. But next time you post or respond to one genuinely seeking friendship, be more specific. Set a time, date, and place. Give people plans. Then, if they don’t show up, that’s on them.
“Hi, we’re new here! My kids and I would love to meet new friends. We will be at the park/splash pad/science center on this date and time.”
Give people an activity or purpose (distraction) to cling to. Set it at a specific time. Show up and hope for the best!
2. Wanted every single thing set up in my physical space ASAP (and got frustrated when everyone didn’t feel the same way).
I want the feeling of being settled and at home right away. Maybe it’s just me, but I want everything unpacked and set up before the unloaders even leave. And well, that’s not realistic.
My husband and I are both “unpack and get the boxes out of here within three days” people. But we also often need a dose of reality. Life happens. Kids happen. Things happen (or don’t happen).
Setting up a space how we truly want it takes time. That’s good! We shouldn’t be impulsively setting up a space just to make it forcibly feel like home. The true feeling of home that took a year or two at our last duty station will take a minute to feel at our new one, too.
3. Underestimated the mental load of moving.
We know there’s getting tape and boxes. We know there’s putting together furniture or buying new rugs. But as a parent, especially, there are so many invisible things that come with moving.
Planning. Calls. Scheduling. Filling out at the doctor’s office. Finding your village. Finding things the kids like to ease the transition. Registering everyone for school. Setting up rooms exactly how everyone wants them.
It’s… a lot. Give yourself a heaping dose of grace as you take on that gigantic mental load post-PCS.
4. Forgot about the PCS crash-out.
Crash out? I think that’s what the kids are saying these days.
I love moving. Besides all the chaos and emotions that come with it, I enjoy the process. I like new spaces. I like all the positive things that come with moving. I’m sure many military spouses can relate.
But it’s easy to get caught up in the newness and forget about the crash that comes after moving.
The exhaustion. The emotions. I block that part out somehow. Or maybe I just have more (older?) kids now, and I’m processing more emotions than my own. Either way, gather some extra lifelines for this time. Maybe it’s rest or finding extra support. But I think it’s mostly a lot of patience and deep breaths.
5. Felt guilty about missing the feelings (not necessarily the location).
A few weeks into our move, I miss the familiarity of where we came from. Things feel too new, and it irritates me. The excitement wears down, and things feel hard.
See also: PCS crash out.
I miss things that took months or years to develop at our old duty station. The friends we could call for anything, knowing where the closest gas station or car wash was, and being able to take back roads without using the GPS. I miss how comfortable my kids were at their schools.
Worse than feeling these things? I feel guilty for feeling them.
I know we’ll get those familiar feelings and the ability to not use the GPS back eventually. But it feels frustrating knowing we had that familiarity and left it behind.
6. Prioritized my kids’ friends and activities.
Like most moms, I’m great at signing up my kids for activities. I’m proactive about getting their doctors and dentists set up. But sometimes I forget to do these things for myself, too.
I need to find my people and my activities. I need to schedule doctor and dentist appointments. I need to find a new hairstylist. I need to take care of myself in this new space, too.
Try to prioritize not just setting things up for the kids after a PCS, but yourself, too!
7. Underestimated the amount of money we’d spend.
Moving is expensive. Yeah, yeah… the military gives you money back. But why do I always forget to factor in new furniture I’ll inevitably buy to fit the new space? Let’s not forget an entirely new pantry and fridge of groceries!
Post-PCS life is not cheap. It happens every time, and somehow I underestimate it. Or maybe it’s willingly blocking it out. But wow. Why does no one talk about that inevitable post-PCS spending, no matter how budget-conscious you are!?
