Military spouses tend to stand at the intersection of so many things, and so rarely do we choose the path that is for us. Are you holding firm on the promises you’ve made to yourself?
When we got to our second duty station, I promised myself I would finish up my degree. But my children were still younger, and I didn’t stick with it. Surprise, surprise. Now I’m on my second try since having children. And here’s what I’ve learned: promises to yourself should be kept just as if they were for our loved ones.
As military wives, we upend our lives for our spouse’s career. We grow the next generation in our wombs, often putting aside our goals and sacrificing more than many know. We inherently live the struggles that the military brings, and we become the family our neighbors need—often building new support systems. At some point, you will look around and wonder what you have built that is just for you
This time around, I said I’m past 30 with so much to offer the world. So, I found a global university with built-in extracurriculars and programs, making it hard to stop. Then I got involved in student government, and now I’m in too deep to give up. I’ve since built a community among my peers, and I know it won’t let me fail to achieve my goals.
How to Be Ethically Selfish
The constant unpredictability of military life makes prioritizing yourself even more necessary. You can’t conjure from nothing when the next deployment or PCS is always around the corner. Plus, when you show up for yourself, you teach your children that their dreams matter, too. In the process, you’ll also become a better partner and friend because you’re fulfilled rather than resentful. Thus, curating something that’s YOURS, something portable that can’t be taken by a duty station change and helps you survive the chaos of military life.
- Acknowledge Your Needs: As military spouses, we can sometimes unintentionally ignore ourselves. Our needs get pushed to the back burner because there’s always something more urgent. Pause long enough to ask yourself: What do I actually need? What’s missing?
We’ve become experts at adapting to everyone else’s needs, but somewhere along the way, we stopped checking in with ourselves. Your needs don’t disappear just because you ignore them. They build up, and eventually that resentment seeps into everything. Start by simply naming what you need, even if you’re not sure how to get it yet.
- Honor Yourself by Creating Space: Set aside time and protect it as you would anyone else’s. Block off that time for school, your hobby, whatever feeds your soul—and treat it as non-negotiable.
This is where it gets real. You have to guard your time like you guard everyone else’s appointments and commitments. Say no to that last-minute volunteer ask. Tell your spouse you need them to handle bedtime on Tuesdays. If you don’t protect your time, no one else will.
- Start Small and Build Momentum: You don’t have to overhaul your entire life overnight. Though it may feel healing to try to accomplish. Focus on the tangible. What’s one small thing you can do this week just for you? The hardest part is starting.
Don’t overwhelm yourself trying to fix everything at once. Pick one small step this week that’s just for you. Maybe it’s applying to one program, blocking off thirty minutes to research a hobby, or saying yes to something you’ve been putting off. Small wins build confidence, and before you know it, you’re involved student government at your university and can’t quit even if you wanted to *cough, cough*.
- Build Your Accountability: Find your people—a program, a community, or a friend who will hold you to your promises to yourself. Who or what can be your anchor? This step is vital to achieving your goals.
You need people who won’t let you give up on yourself when things get hard. Find a community that expects you to show up, a program with built-in accountability, or a friend who will check in on your promises. Military life is isolating enough without trying to build yourself in a vacuum. The community you build around your goals might be the thing that keeps you going.
- Realign When You Drift: You’ll get off track. A deployment will happen, or a PCS will disrupt everything. That doesn’t mean you failed—it means you’re human. The goal isn’t about perfection. It’s centered on returning to your core goals and choosing to show up for yourself again and again.
Military life will derail you. It’s not an if, it’s a when. Let’s be real here. Orders will come down, schedules will change, life will happen. Give yourself grace when you drift, and then come back. The power isn’t in never getting off track—it’s in choosing to realign every single time and returning to step 4 when you need support.
Addressing the Hard Questions
I know that it feels like there are so many things tugging at you, which makes a lot of this easier said than done.
If you give more to yourself, what happens to your marriage? Will they respect you fighting to make a lane for yourself in this world after having so much of the attention focused on them? Will the children be okay if I take more time for myself? What if I fail? Can my family function without me doing everything?
These questions are valid, but here’s what I’ve learned: your marriage either grows with you or it doesn’t, and that says more about the partnership than it does about your ambition. Your children will not only be okay, but they’ll also be better for watching you pursue something that matters. And as for failure? Staying stagnant and unfulfilled is its own kind of failure, just a quieter one.
It almost feels like a betrayal to work on yourself. But the true betrayal is wasting your potential as a human being to achieve your wildest dreams.
The Bottom Line
To spend dedicated time supporting others and building them up, and then to finally build yourself, is not selfish. A lot of the time, as women, if we leave it to others to center our dreams, we may not get what we need to have our spirits fulfilled. You won’t have it figured out. But align your actions as if you do. I’m a military spouse who believes all of the above is possible—not without some bumps along the way, but still very much achievable.
If this has inspired you, tell us: How do you plan to be more selfish?
