Future Commander Spouses – It is Ok to say, “No!” Two years ago this July, my husband took over as a Squadron Commander. I had no intentions of being known as the “Commander’s Wife” and I certainly had no idea what that really even meant. As a Spouse, I have always done my best to maintain a sense of self, not lose myself in my husband’s career and build a life outside of the military. I knew the time would come for him to take Command and I knew adjustments to both our personal and professional lives would need to be made. I have always hated how the military likes to assign “positions” to Spouses. They like to impose these outdated feelings of need on the “dependents,” which has not only created an intensely negative stigma towards leadership personnel and their significant others, but also put an insanely unnecessary amount of pressure on Spouses to make them feel as if they “have” to assume certain roles. I wish the military would take a hard look at the significant and positive impact spouses already make simply by continuing to show up for our families day in and day out. I know what it is like to not feel appreciated, and I know what it is like to not have support. I chose to take on a spouse leadership role not because I felt I needed to, but because I wanted to. I have always been an advocate and this was an opportunity that provided a voice for spouses and their families that we often times do not get. I chose to say “yes,” but I also said “no.” The only rule I had followed was the one I set for myself – I got to choose what I dedicated my time to. Everything I committed to was on my terms – no one else’s. I never felt obligated. I never took on more than I could handle. I never set expectations too high, and I never felt overwhelmed. I have known Commander Spouses both past and present that find themselves completely consumed and engulfed with anything and everything that goes on at the base. Some were born to do it, while others spend two years of their lives in complete misery. I cannot stress enough to any Spouse whose military member assumes a leadership position that you are not required to do anything! If you are like me, however, and you feel called to support but have limits, I found the following two tips to be my saving grace.
1. Respect the Process
Something that took a considerable amount of patience and understanding on my part was the fact that I was not “working” in the civilian sector. We all know the military is on a “hurry up and wait” timeline, but there is also protocol and a ridiculous number of steps to take before getting a “yes.” Because I had never chosen to serve and support at previous assignments, I really never paid attention to the ins and outs of my husband’s job. Upon meeting with leadership for the first time regarding potential squadron events and support, I could have easily become frustrated and resentful towards a system that seemed much more complicated than it had to be. However, once I learned exactly who I needed to contact and for the purpose I needed them, I built my own network of stakeholders that allowed me to communicate what I needed in a more timely and seamless manner. Some things still took more convincing than others, but I learned to respect the process and things eventually fell into place. Building positive relationships with leadership also allowed me to gain a better understanding of why the process is the way it is (even if it still did not make sense!). This understanding allowed me to utilize my own leadership skills and experiences to help open doors for me to get to a place where I could offer suggestions on how to improve things, such as communication between military members, spouses and their families. I constantly reminded myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint! I was forced to go slow but could then go fast. Staying one step ahead in the planning (and back up planning!) process helped keep most of the priorities and initiatives on track despite delays or unexpected setbacks. 
2. Leave your ego, expectations and previous experiences at the door.
If you choose to step into a Spouse leadership role, be completely content with the fact that you are doing nothing more than choosing to serve others. Any thoughts you have regarding what you believe you are expected to do, what you think others are expecting you to do or what your thoughts are regarding your experience with previous spouse leaders do not matter. Despite what military leaders, other government officials or presenters at the “Commander’s Course” think, you are the only person that gets to dictate how you spend your time. As military spouses, we do it ALL! We are resilient, brave, strong and capable, but we are also exhausted, burned out, overwhelmed, and one “I have news” away from losing our you-know-what! Adversity has no rank. It has no rules. It takes no prisoners. It is relentless. There is absolutely no shame in saying, “No.” Those who have time to dictate what others should and should not be doing with their time are the ones who actually have the time to pick up all of the projects and tasks you respectfully declined. Do not feel obligated to take on “one more thing.” Do not say “yes” to anything you are not passionate about and do not make yourself feel inferior among those that seem to be doing more than you. What you do matters no matter what. As a Spouse, you continue to serve our country and support your military member each and every day and that in and of itself is enough.
At the end of the day nothing matters except that you are doing the best that you can with the circumstances you have been given. Saying “no” to something that does not serve you opens the door to saying “yes” to something that does – and that “yes” may be to something that does not revolve around the military at all. As the great tennis player Arthur Ashe once said, “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”
