A Tool Kit for the New Military Mama: An Interview With Elaine Brye

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“Mama, I spoke with a recruiter. I scored well on the test, and I was given the all clear from the medical team. I am enlisting in the Army, and I leave in a few weeks.”

And just like that I was spiraling. My world was tilted and shaken, and I felt the one feeling I have always hated and avoided most of all: out of control. Even as my mind bolted into the old habit of trying to hold on tighter, and tell him: “Absolutely not”, my heart knew right then that it was no longer my place. My new place was to support his dream and help him succeed in whatever way that I could.

For the next few weeks, I went on my own recon mission. I needed to learn anything and everything I could about the Army, basic training, and how in the world you make it as a military mama! I also spent those weeks scared, anxious, and thinking I was losing my mind. I guarantee my family and friends thought I was losing it! One minute I would be fine. Then, out of the blue, I would be overcome with sadness and the tears would turn on like a faucet. I remember almost every day on my ride home during those few weeks I sobbed the whole way home. For the whole thirty-minute trip on the interstate I’d let the tears fall, no holding back. When I got to my exit, I would take a deep breath and fix my face before I pulled into my driveway. Every time I heard, “It’s just like he is going off to college, no big deal!” I wanted to scream! It’s not at all like that! Nobody around me really understood what I was feeling. My family has no previous military experience. Our family is extremely close. We have dinner together every week or so. We show up for each other at every event and birthday. Now my first-born son, the first-born grandchild, oldest cousin and big brother was moving away! And we have no timeline for when he may be home. It’s not like college at all.

So, as I scoured the internet for all the information and insight I could find on what was coming our way, I kept coming across other mamas all recommending the same book: Be Safe, Love Mom by Elaine Brye. Of course, I went straight to Amazon and ordered it.  Remember the old, wise book: “What to Expect When You’re Expecting?” Think of that, but twenty years later and delivered with a more relatable, “here’s the facts and here’s how you are going to survive,” approach. As soon as I started reading, I finally felt understood.  That alone was a relief. Quickly, I felt like my fears and feelings were validated. Elaine really got it! Finally, I felt like I wasn’t alone.  I won’t say the tears stopped. I still cried right along with the reading. But now I was learning to lean into this new phase of parenting. Elaine gave me a new perspective and made me change the way that I was thinking. Somehow, she gave me back my grip, and made letting go a lot less scary, all at the same time.

If I was looking for a subject matter expert, I don’t believe I could have found anyone more equipped for the job. Elaine grew up with parents in the Army. She and her husband served in the Air Force. They have four children, all who serve in the military, one in each branch!  I recently emailed Elaine to thank her for her influence that helped me get to the other side of my storm. I shared with her the ways I still refer to her encouragement and how I have taken her advice I learned from her book to keep me in a more positive outlook on my new reality in parenting. Feeling validated and understood was so major for me during my panic in the beginning. I feel passionate about helping others to feel this also. I asked Elaine a few questions that sums up a roadmap for new military mamas. Here’s what she said:

1. What do you believe is the number one hurdle as a new military mother?

“When we become mothers it triggers that huge overwhelming flood of emotions . The biggest one is protect the child. Learning to let go of that is incredibly hard. You see it manifested in the need to know everything that is happening, and be involved deeply. However the military mission does not allow for that. We cannot protect them in the same way we did when they were children. We have to learn to funnel that energy in a different direction- maybe volunteering or advocating for our military. But ultimately we need to flip the switch from parenting a child to parenting an adult. One of my key phrases is to ask myself ‘would I say that to my best friend?'”

2. How do you continue to regroup your heart and mind when your children return back to their military world after they are home for short visits?

“I talk about creating a tool kit – actually two of them. One is normal – the other is used in case of emergency- a tool kit on steroids. What’s in it? Things that you know bring you joy outside of your family. As mothers we tend to not know what those things are without some focused effort.

When my children deploy (after 17 deployments I’ve had a lot of practice) or when they leave after a visit I reach for my emergency tool kit. I know I will experience the grief of them leaving and I adjust for that. I allow myself to feel sad and then I do some things that bring me joy. It might be starting a new knitting or decorating project or taking a walk. I’m easy on myself until the ouch heals a little bit.”

3. How do you stay connected with your kids when they are away, without being that call or text that makes them roll their eyes when they see it pop up? Without being “too much”?

“I send silly memes or stories and avoid the incessant questions of everything I want to know. I make it easy for them to respond with an emoji or a short response. I know there is way too much I cannot know and have learned to be satisfied with a 90% me 10% them balance in communication especially when they are deployed.  The bottom line is we will never get enough communication so I make it easy and am thankful what I do get.

A classic was during one of my boy’s Afghanistan deployment- he never sent pictures and did not tell me much (8 years later I am hearing the stories and am glad I did not know!) For my birthday he sent a photo of himself- proof of life! Best birthday present ever!”

4. What is your favorite tradition you have started as a family due to the military changing your former holiday traditions?

“Our situation is complicated by having 4 serving. When we lived in the town where they grew up I would have a holiday open house if any of them got home anywhere near the holidays. That way they could see a lot of folks but not have to try and visit everyone, which takes so much time. Now since they all have families of their own we typically travel to one of them and have a big zoom call with everyone so we are together in spirit at least.”

How’s that for a brighter and hopeful perspective? I truly encourage new and experienced, military mamas to get your hands on a copy of Elaine’s book, Be Safe, Love Mom. Use her design in building your own took kit and be good to yourself during the harder times. The military parent community is far and wide. And we are all just moving through all of these waves together. Just as Elaine signs her goodbyes, Be Brave and Be Strong.