When Support Feels Like a Full-Time Job

Bedtime is finally here, again. The house is quiet. But your mind is racing through a never-ending checklist of the things you didn’t get done today or those important big dates coming up. There’s a child’s permission slip waiting unsigned. The next PCS date is looming on the horizon, and a work email you swore you’d get to this afternoon, but distractions left unfinished once again. You tell yourself that tomorrow you’ll slow down, to take the time to reorganize. But you know that tomorrow has a whole new list that will be just as long.

You attempt to close your eyes, but the invisible load of supporting your spouse, kids, and career keeps your mind awake even when your body is exhausted.

As military spouses, our management of the household includes absorbing the emotional impact of unpredictability and continuous change. As moms, we become the stability that our families crave. Oftentimes, we are the ones who keep things running, regardless of our circumstances. Sometimes being that pillar of strength feels empowering, while other times it is exhausting; so how do we manage it all without making ourselves invisible?

We peel back the layers.

Layer One: I’m fine

Time and time again, I find myself saying those two words out of habit. “I’m fine” has become a shield in my life, long before the military joined in. One to protect others from my own overwhelm. My spouse, from potential guilt I’d rather not add to his already overflowing load. For my children not to worry. To protect friends who live miles away from feeling helpless that they can’t come right over when I need them most. Inside this layer, we’re juggling silent stressors that others cannot see.

The invisible load we’ve placed on ourselves thrives in that quiet space between how we appear to outsiders and how we actually feel internally.

Being “fine” can be easier than explaining fatigue, loneliness, or overstimulation. These are things many of us experience often. The hardest step in releasing this layer is to name the load we are carrying by releasing the term “fine” and giving ourselves the permission to think, “I’m actually not fine right now, and that’s alright.” Our honesty towards our feelings pairs wonderfully with unlimited grace.

Layer Two: A Grace-Filled Partnership

We have all probably heard at one time or another the phrase “well, you signed up for this life.” And to an extent, it’s likely true. We did choose to support a spouse who serves. Whether seasoned or new to this lifestyle, many quickly come to find out that even though that statement may appear to be true, no one can anticipate what we are “signing up for” (our spouses included!). Demanding hours that often change, lack of the ability to plan, crisis management, and becoming emotional anchors…just to name a few possible unknowns!

Healthy support in marriage means letting go of the idea that we can anticipate or control it all.

To be a good spouse, we don’t need to:

• constantly be available
• stay one step ahead
• seek perfection

Focusing on a grace-filled partnership allows room for a loving, shared rhythm. For choosing empathy over resentment and self-care over meltdowns.

A grace-filled partnership acknowledges that both people in the partnership have their limits and their own set of boundaries that can co-exist within love, grace, and communication.

Layer Three: Nurturing Kids Through the Ripple

Our children are always keeping a watchful eye on how we navigate the chaos around us. They see us hold it all together and fall apart. It’s how they learn to handle life’s uncertainties themselves. Military kids, especially, grow up in a rippled motion – adapting to new schools, friends, and routines fairly regularly, all while navigating the rotation of goodbyes.

Nurturing through the ripple means focusing less on presenting perfection and more on being grounded in reality. When we are present and having real conversations with our children, it reminds them (and ourselves!) that emotions aren’t problems that need to be solved. But signals to better understand and process our circumstances.

Let’s show our kids that some of the invisible load we carry helps us model resilience. Allow them to see us rest, apologize, and even cry when needed. Stability within our homes is creating a safe space to find new rhythms through the movement. Through this, we can support our families to rise strong and tender-hearted in an unpredictable world.

Layer Four: Ambition in the Midst of Chaos

This last layer isn’t at all about family; it’s about you – the one who has paused ambitions and big dreams.

We need to hold onto that creative calling or professional goal. Hold on to that small business you keep having to move. Through the unpredictability of this lifestyle, we cannot let our ambition disappear. There is beauty in that persistent pull towards building something for yourself (yes, even in the midst of this chaotic life) if that is what has been placed on your heart.

It might mean that every project gets finished during nap time. Every email is sent late at night. Or every idea gets placed in another new note on our phone during your kids’ basketball practice. But every single one of those steps matters. You’re building something sacred in the chaos. Don’t dismiss slow progress or changed deadlines as failure; see it as faith in motion and a season of growth that doesn’t always look exactly as we plan.
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The truth is, moms, we will probably never be rid of our invisible load.

It is a beautiful, messy, long-lasting, and self-made load that we’re strong enough to carry. The shift in mindset is that strength doesn’t mean doing it all alone. It means finding our margins, seeing where we can ask for help and actually asking for it. Then, trusting that when it’s time to let something go, it doesn’t make us less than… it makes us human.

Let this be your reminder that you do not and should not have to prove your worth through exhaustion.

Even during the times of unrest, the times the dishes are still waiting in the sink, your work email is overflowing, and your to-do list is definitely winning: you are more than enough! I encourage you that when bedtime chaos leaves you feeling frazzled and keeps you awake, you take a quiet moment to pause. 

What could you put down tonight to make room for peace? Beautiful friend, YOU deserve to breathe, to rest, and be supported. Free yourself of the pressures from that invisible load of supporting everyone else and simply be present and aware enough to put down the load when YOU need.

Learn more on how to Embrace Negative Emotions for Growth here.