An Open Farewell Letter from the Wife of a Commander
Dear Phoenix Phamily –
Two years ago, I ran into our backyard just as we were about to pull out and make our cross-country trek from California to New Hampshire. As I steadied my phone to try to get as much of the view as possible, I took a quick glance up and caught these clouds rising over the hills. Now, I know sometimes clouds are like ultra sounds – sometimes we see what others are telling us and sometimes we don’t (me!). If you humor me for a minute, though, I couldn’t help but see what looked like a Phoenix, wings spread wide, floating across the bright, blue sky. It was the perfect send off for what was to come.
When we found out that we were moving to New Hampshire, I was so disappointed. In true military fashion, the news came at the worst possible time. My husband picked me up from the airport after I had been dealing with a family crisis back in Colorado and, as I was just starting to release 10 days worth of tears and built up emotions, he mumbled, “I know this isn’t a good time, but…” I had also FINALLY gone back to work as a District Literacy Specialist after taking a three-year career “hiatus” due to an overseas assignment then returning stateside during COVID. I was not ready to move. We had been told my husband was going to remain in a certain position for another year and then take Command at our current base. I also knew both Assistant Principal and Principal positions would be opening the following year and the potential to finally land my “dream” job after waiting nearly 10 years was on the horizon. Every time an opportunity to apply for these positions would come up, so would our orders. Never failed. In true military fashion, the PCS police struck again, I grieved the loss of another chance and off we went.
I had zero intentions of being a “Commander’s Wife.” I despised the title actually. I am Erin, who happens to be married to an Air Force Pilot, who also happens to be at a point in his career where he is told he is supposed to have more responsibility. I have two kids who we try to raise as “normal” as possible and I am an educator. I am deeply passionate about education and believe that every child deserves the same opportunity as the next no matter where they come from, what zip code they live in or what color their skin is. As much as it has changed, I also still believe in the public school system. Even more so, I still believe in the community that makes a school system stronger by standing up and advocating for even the youngest learner.
I am also a military spouse who did not know “what I was signing up for.” I fell in love with man knowing he is brave enough to fight for our freedoms, whose laid back personality balances out my recovering Type A tendencies (most of the time) and who still has every black sock in his drawer he was issued at the AF Academy 20 years ago. I did not fall in love knowing that I would be uprooted nine times in 18 years, single parent our children on the regular, cry silently in the shower because I have to rebuild my life every 1-3 years, deal with you-know-what-hitting the fan every time he leaves for more than a week, develop anxiety over the possibility that the end may come to a career I feel never got started, assume “roles” that I have no idea what they really mean or why they are still around, and the list goes on and on.
So, why I have spent the last two years as the self-titled “64 ARS Spouse and Family Advocate?” Because I care. And because I know what it feels like to feel lonely and isolated. I totally get it – I get every bit of what it is like to bounce through life with so little control. When we arrived in New Hampshire with around 7 other members of the squadron, it quickly became clear to me that there were no positions in education that I would be able to acquire before the school year began. I was also under an immense amount of stress that I am sure you can all relate to. I was dealing with yet another move (that I resented) and some deeply, personal emotional pain on top of it. I knew if I was struggling, someone else was, too. I also knew there was no one to help us. The active-duty squadron my husband was tasked with re-birthing had been deactivated for several years. With no base services, very few local resources and zero funds for any type of squadron or family activities, I chose to support our families and spouses and made a commitment to make it my “job.” I did not choose to serve because I felt I had to or because I felt it was my obligation as the new “Commander’s Wife.” I chose to serve and support because I felt called to.
Building something from nothing takes time, patience and a lot of dedication. I figured with having 2 out of 3 of these qualities, I was off to a good start. Patience has never been a virtue of mine and, oh how I wish I could have swapped it for one of the others! Due to my own need to (once again) seek support from a counselor or therapist, I decided to start with gathering mental health resources. Three months and a billion phone calls, emails, links, and only one viable counselor later, we were in business! Social gatherings, base events, personal messages, and other various forms of support all began to take off. Fellow spouses also began to start supporting one another and the Phoenix Phamily truly began to rise! We have had our challenges and we have had our frustrations. If my leadership training as taught me anything, though, it is to persevere, always be a part of the solution and not allow negative energy to distract from the end goal. Keeping these in mind helped lead us to celebrate many successes including forming relationships both personally and professionally among our squadron members, the National Guard, local businesses and national non-profits. Most importantly, we have been able to develop friendships among us that we may depend on now but will last us well into the future. This experience has been one of the most rewarding times of my life.
I want to thank you, all of you, for allowing me to serve you. As a fellow military spouse, if I could just leave you with these final words. I want you all to know, that although I opted to say “yes,” you are allowed to say “no.” You are worthy of boundaries and should only be surrounding yourself with people who respect them. You have the right to respectfully decline any “role” or expectations you feel the military requires of you. I do not believe that Spouses wear their husband’s rank. I respect the Chain of Command, but I would choose to support any spouse, any day no matter what is on their significant others’ uniform. I believe there is a shift in culture that our government needs to catch up to and is becoming more and more clear as our voices (YOUR voices!) become louder and louder! I never expected anything of you. I know how difficult it is to serve alongside your spouse and to feel unseen, unheard, and not valued. I want you to know that I see you! I hear you! I value you and I respect you!
Supporting the 64th these past two years has been nothing short of an honor for me. It was something I never saw myself doing, but am so very grateful I did. I am sure I failed in many ways and there are some of you that had expectations of me based on your interactions with past “Commander’s Wives.” Although I will not apologize for being myself, I do apologize if I did not know about these disappointments. If I failed any of you in any way, I am so very sorry. I did my best and for some, I know that that was not enough. For those that chose to become active members of our community, I thank you. I applaud those that didn’t want to attend a spouse event, but came anyway. I praise those that brought your kids to an event just because it would get you out of the house. I extend my deepest gratitude to those that are brave enough to continue to show up each and every day as we ride this roller coaster life of the military. It’s hard. It sucks. It’s crazy. It is also beautiful, unique and is what you make it. No matter what, always remember: YOU. ARE. AWESOME!
If choosing to serve the 64th these past two years has left an irreparable gap in my resume, I can say with 100% certainty, I would do it all over again. YOU made every effort worth it! If God calls you to it, he will equip you through it. I praise Him for giving me all of you and the opportunity to grow in a way I never expected. You are Phoenixes and you will continue to rise!
Thank You for Being You and Happy Trails…
Erin
