The holiday season was upon us, our first (and only) year at our current duty station. I was excited. The previous year had been devoid of parties and gatherings of all kinds, due to the pandemic. Now, we lived in a lively on-post neighborhood, and it was time to celebrate with many of our new friends. I smiled as I opened an invitation to a family Christmas party with neighbors. This was going to be a good time. There would be tacky Christmas sweaters, games, crafts for the kids, and yummy treats for all! But my smile quickly faded as a wave of anxiety washed over me. How stressful was it going to be, making sure my two year old stayed safe around all those tempting sweets, surrounded by strangers and new friends we barely knew? No matter how well-meaning they may be, anyone who doesn’t know about my toddler’s food allergies can be a very real danger.
Just before his first birthday, I had called 911 when my youngest appeared to be having an allergic reaction to something – most likely peanut butter. He would be ok, but the testing that followed revealed severe anaphylactic allergies to peanuts, tree nuts, and eggs. He was crawling and curious, so we decided to rid our house of all nuts. We didn’t need to take any chances.
I mourned his diagnosis, but life went on, much the same as before. It was 2020, and we weren’t going to anyone’s homes anyway. When we did travel home, we stayed in the homes of loved ones, who knew all about our needs and graciously refrained from eating or serving nuts while we were there. But we are a military family, and that means we move a lot. We meet new people over and over again. It can feel overwhelming to give the whole spiel about our dietary needs (which also include my own celiac diagnosis and another child with food allergies) every time we make new friends.
The holiday season is already full and stressful for any mom. How can families (and their friends) make the most of this special time without it being derailed by worries about food?
Remember that food is not the main point
While many of our fondest memories of holiday gatherings are centered around the special food we have always enjoyed and shared at this time of year, it’s important to remember that this isn’t the only way to make memories with those we love. We can focus on shared experiences instead. With small kids, the idea of trying to alter all my favorite Christmas cookie recipes in order to spend afternoons baking together has felt way too overwhelming. Now we have created new traditions, like ice skating, visiting new cities to view Christmas decorations, and crafting. I’ve opted to keep the food simple, in order to free up time for other things that we can all enjoy. When we will be in social settings, I make sure to bring special treats that are safe for my kids, so that we can still enjoy time with friends, even if we are eating different food.
Have the uncomfortable conversations
For many people it feels uncomfortable to tell a host about food allergies. But if my severely allergic toddler is going to spend time in someone’s home, I need to get it out there. Don’t wait until the last minute. Depending on the severity and age of the person with food allergies, you may need to ask if they are able to keep the event free of nuts. Or you may just need to find out ahead of time what will be served, so that you can plan accordingly. Most people are very gracious and happy to make accommodations. However, you may still feel most safe eating only your own food. This can also be uncomfortable to tell a host, when they are offering specially prepared food, just for you. This is why it’s best to communicate ahead of time. If you know that you will bring your own food, explain your reason, and let them know they don’t need to make anything special for you. Explain that it has nothing to do with their ability to provide the proper food, and everything to do with your own peace of mind and best practice. The awkward moment will pass, and you can still enjoy the special time together.
Know that it will get easier
When I received that invitation for the neighborhood party, I was torn. I knew that the stress and risk we would encounter in that kind of environment, with so many unknowns (as opposed to a family gathering, where we know everyone) was simply not worth it. But I also didn’t want the rest of the family to have to miss out on this special time. In this case, I decided to hire a babysitter to stay with my toddler at home, while the rest of us went to the Christmas party. He was little, and didn’t even know what he was missing. The rest of us were able to relax and have fun with friends. As kids get older, it gets easier. They don’t eat things off the floor forever. They will learn that they need to always ask a parent before they eat something, even if it’s offered by a well meaning adult. They will understand that missing out on party treats, doesn’t have to mean missing out on the fun. And you will be able to engage them in picking out what safe treat they would like to bring from home instead. But in the meantime, while they are tiny, do not carry guilt about the times you have to say no. Your job as their parent is to keep them safe, and you get to decide the best way to do that. It might mean your family doesn’t do every single thing all together, or it might mean that you have to say no to an invitation. But these days won’t last forever.
Get comfortable hosting
When I really want my family to have the full party experience on special days, I choose to host in our own home. I manage all the food, including what I prepare, as well as what I allow others to bring in. If someone offers to bring a dish, I ask them to prepare something simple and straightforward, like a fruit platter. Or I might have them bring something that my kids don’t like anyway, like the mashed potatoes. But when it comes to dessert, I’ll make sure I serve only safe foods, so that for once, I don’t have to tell my kids no. Hosting and feeding guests is a lot of work, so I have learned to let some things go, and take shortcuts where necessary. In the end, it’s all about being able to relax in the moment and enjoy the time with the people we love.
A note to hosts
If you are someone that loves to host and feed people, you may feel a bit puzzled by responses from folks with food allergies, especially if you are willing to go out of your way to prepare something allergen-free for them. It’s important to understand that you will encounter many different responses from people. If you know that someone has a special dietary need, simply ask them ahead of time what would work best – would it be helpful for you to run the ingredients by them?
Or are they more comfortable bringing their own food? If you know that you are simply not able to provide an allergen free environment or menu, that’s ok too. Simply let them know that ahead of time, and then allow them to make the decision that is best for them.
Food allergies can make a stressful time even more stressful, but that doesn’t mean that it is impossible. Take a deep breath and focus on making one decision at a time. The choices you make this year don’t have to be the same forever. Have conversations with your family about what is most important when it comes to holiday memories and experiences, and let those priorities guide your decisions.
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