Positivity is often celebrated as the ultimate key to happiness and success. While a positive mindset can indeed be transformative, there is a darker side to positivity when it is used inappropriately or excessively. This phenomenon, known as toxic positivity, occurs when we dismiss or suppress negative emotions in favor of a constant, often unrealistic, positive outlook. Although well-intentioned, toxic positivity can prevent us from addressing our true feelings and hinder our ability to grow and heal.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the idea that no matter how difficult or painful a situation may be, we should always maintain a positive attitude. It’s the well-meaning but harmful phrases like, “Just stay positive,” can feel dismissive and invalidating. While positivity can be a powerful tool for resilience, it becomes toxic when it ignores the reality of human emotions and pressures us to deny our authentic experiences.
The Role of Negative Emotions
Negative emotions like sadness, anger, or frustration are an essential part of the human experience. They are not obstacles to be avoided but signals that something needs our attention. These feelings often arise to push us out of situations that are not serving us and guide us toward choices that align with our highest good.
Imagine a lump of clay in the hands of an artist. To transform it into a beautiful sculpture, the artist must apply pressure, mold it, and shape it. Without that effort, the clay remains an unformed mass with unrealized potential. Similarly, negative emotions provide the pressure needed to shape our lives and help us grow. If we cover up those feelings with toxic positivity, like placing a bandage over a wound without addressing the underlying cause, we lose the opportunity to confront the root of the problem and evolve into the best version of ourselves.
Toxic Positivity in Military Life
I’ve often encountered toxic positivity within our military community. One common phrase I hear is, “The next duty station is what you make of it.” While this advice is technically true, it can feel dismissive to someone struggling with a difficult PCS, an overwhelming new environment, or the loss of a support network. It becomes an unhelpful trope that can consistently reject negative emotion and lead to further isolation. I have even said this myself many times and had to rethink it. This type of response often leads to feelings of inadequacy, making people think there’s something wrong with them for not immediately finding joy in their circumstances.
Instead of brushing off their emotions, we should encourage our fellow spouses to explore why they are struggling. Admitting that they are mad, sad, or overwhelmed can be the first step toward making things better. For example, if someone is upset about leaving behind close friends, acknowledging that sadness allows them to honor the meaningful relationships they’ve built. From there, they can start exploring ways to build a new community without feeling pressured to “make the best of it” right away. While it’s important to process and validate those emotions, it’s equally crucial not to remain stuck in them. Over time, shifting the focus toward creating new opportunities and embracing the present can help transform the experience into something positive. True growth comes not from ignoring the pain, but from working through it and eventually finding ways to make the most of the situation… not by shoving a bandage over the wound, but by allowing it to truly heal.
How to Embrace Negative Emotions for Growth
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise without judgment. Recognize that it’s okay to not be okay sometimes.
Reflect on the Source: Consider why you’re feeling a certain way. What is the situation telling you? Is there a change you need to make or a boundary you need to set?
Take Action: Use your emotions as a guide to take steps toward growth and healing. This might mean seeking support, making changes in your environment, or finding new ways to cope.
Support Others Authentically: When a friend or fellow military spouse shares their struggles, resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or positive platitudes. Instead, validate their feelings and create space for them to process their emotions. A simple “That sounds really hard” can go a long way. This doesn’t mean keeping people stuck in negativity, but rather acknowledging their struggles in the first place. If someone fell and broke their leg, you wouldn’t tell them to heal it immediately. Just because we can’t physically see emotions like we can a broken leg doesn’t mean they aren’t real or significant.
Positivity is a beautiful thing when it is genuine and rooted in reality. However, life is not meant to be a constant stream of happiness. Negative emotions are not signs of weakness but tools for growth, pushing us to confront challenges and discover our strength. By embracing the full spectrum of human emotion, we can create meaningful change in our lives and help others do the same. I always say I would never change my past because everything that has happened to me good and bad have helped to create the person I am today.
The next time you’re tempted to plaster on a smile or tell a struggling friend to “look on the bright side,” pause. Consider what might happen if you allowed space for the hard feelings instead. Like the sculptor shaping the clay, those moments of pressure and discomfort can lead to something truly beautiful. For another very well written view from a fellow military spouse on toxic positivity click here.
