Over the Edge
I was standing in the kitchen, washing dishes and doing mental math: I was trying to figure out how to get the other things finished that needed to be taken care of before picking up my husband from the airport that night, when my oldest daughter quietly pleaded with me to let her take her sisters to the new park.
“I’ll watch them, Mom, I really will. And you can just pick us up on the way to the airport.”
Something about it pushed me over the edge. My cheeks started burning, and my head pounded. Before I knew it, I was a sniffling mess, trying to explain myself.
“Your dad has just been gone so much lately, and right now it feels like it’s too much to do alone. I need him home.”
The words spilled out of my mouth faster than the tears spilling out of my eyes as I tried to explain to my 12-year-old why I looked so anguished about her request to take her sisters and brother down the street.
Factoring in Myself
The TDY tempo for my husband is high right now, with long exercise days squeezed into the windows when he is in town. The demands of having two very involved elementary school students, along with twin 5-year-olds not yet in school, are feeling insurmountable some days. When another TDY popped up the week of spring break, I had been so determined not to let it spoil the school break for my kids that I’d neglected to factor in myself at all.
We had had a great spring break just the five of us. But trying to get household chores done by myself in the evenings after days packed with fun had taken its toll on my mental health. In the middle of spring break week, a huge new playground at the end of our street had finally opened up after months and months and MONTHS of waiting. The park was packed fence to fence with excited kids and parents frantically trying to keep up with the new equipment (seriously, two zip lines and four spinning toys is an aggressive move for a base playground). Naturally, my little ones wanted to join in the fun too, but so far I’d been able to put them off. I wanted to wait until their dad was home to give us an extra set of hands to help. But that night, the waiting had become too much for my patient kids, who had listened to all of their friends tell them about how fun all of the new toys were. The mom guilt pounced on my exhausted brain. I could no longer remember all of the fun things I’d made time for.
All I could think of was the things I hadn’t been able to make happen.
I paused, closed my eyes to stop the tears, and walked away from the things that really wouldn’t matter at the end of the day.
Later, after an excited airport reunion with their dad and a welcome home dinner at Taco Bell, I tucked in my oldest daughter. I was already mentally so much more relaxed than I had been even just an hour earlier. It’s incredible what a difference it makes to have a participatory partner in the home at bedtime. But before I said goodnight, I took a few minutes to talk about the collapse she had seen from me earlier. I didn’t want her to worry that I couldn’t handle her dad being gone, especially with another TDY coming in a week.
I told her what I think many military spouses feel- that I am carrying too much responsibility for one person, but also that I will find a way to get it done. I also made her a promise that I’ll do a better job of asking for help when I need it before I am overwhelmed.
The True Meaning of Resiliency
We are required to be so self-reliant in this military lifestyle. I’m grateful that most of the time I can say, “I’ve got this, no problem,” so my spouse can focus on his duties. But I also want my kids to have an honest view of life. I want them to know that we can carry heavy loads for a while, but that at some point, we all need to stop and rest. Resiliency doesn’t mean never taking a break; it means finding a way to rest when you need to and then continuing on with what needs to be done. Sometimes that break is having a spouse home, and sometimes it’s finding a way to rest within the confines of your situation. Since our pace of life isn’t changing any time soon, I need to start scheduling more breaks of my own when I’m making the family schedule. I also scheduled a talk with a professional therapist instead of relying on friends and family to help me sort out my feelings. It’s helped immensely.
I hope that by watching me fall apart, my kids also see how I build myself back up. So when overwhelm sets in for them, they have the tools to find their way forward.
