Dear Fellow Military Spouses Over 40,
I’m writing this letter with a heart full of understanding, camaraderie, and perhaps a little humor… because let’s face it, we’ve earned the right to laugh at the quirks of this crazy life by now. If you’re like me, you might find yourself in a unique phase of military life, where the challenges are different from those we faced in our 20s and 30s. The kids are growing up, with some in late high school, others in college, and maybe a few have already flown the nest. It’s a bittersweet time, filled with pride in their accomplishments, but also a new kind of loneliness that we didn’t quite anticipate.
One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed is how my social circle has shifted. For years, I made friends through my daughter’s activities and extracurriculars. It was easy to bond with other parents when our kids were involved in the same things. We’d chat on the sidelines, exchange stories, and support each other through the ups and downs of raising children in a military environment. Those friendships were a lifeline, grounding me during deployments and PCS moves.
But now, with my daughter growing up and needing me less, I’ve realized that I need to be more intentional and creative in finding and nurturing friendships. It’s not as simple as showing up at the next social function that is for my daughter. The social landscape has changed, and so have I.
And then there’s the other elephant in the room… perimenopause. Just when you think you’ve got life figured out, your body decides to throw you a curveball. The hot flashes, mood swings, unexpected weight gain, brain fog, disrupted sleep, and weird enough itchy ears are all part of this new chapter. It’s not exactly a conversation starter, but it’s something we’re dealing with, often silently. Yet, I’ve found that when we do open up about it, there’s comfort in knowing we’re not alone. I also utter the phrase, “I’m getting too old for this stuff” without realizing it during the PCS process, and I use another word other than “stuff.”
So, where do we go from here? How do we find those meaningful connections that enrich our lives, especially when our old methods don’t quite fit anymore? I’m still figuring that out, but I’ve started by exploring new hobbies, volunteering for causes that matter to me, and attending local events that draw in people with similar interests. It’s a slower process, but I’m finding that these new friendships, though fewer, are richer and more fulfilling. As we get older, we naturally become pickier about the friends we keep. It’s not about being selective for the sake of it, but more about valuing quality over quantity. We’ve outgrown the need for superficial connections and now seek friendships that are truly meaningful, supportive, and aligned with who we’ve become.
I wanted to share this with you because I know it’s easy to feel isolated during this stage of life, especially in the military community, where we’re often uprooted just as we’re starting to find our footing. It’s like hitting the reset button just as things begin to feel familiar. The connections we’ve worked so hard to establish can suddenly feel distant, and the thought of starting over again, in a new place with new people, can be daunting after the numerous times before.
This sense of isolation can be particularly challenging because, unlike in our younger years, we’re not always surrounded by built in social networks like school groups or children’s activities. The friends we do have are spread across the country, or even the globe, and it’s easy to feel like we’re navigating this stage alone. But we’re not alone. We’re a community that understands the unique challenges of military life at this age, and it’s important to remind ourselves that even in this season of life, meaningful connections are still within reach. But remember, we’ve faced challenges before, and we’ve come through stronger. This is just another chapter in our journey.
So, here’s to us—military spouses over 40, navigating life with grace, grit, and a whole lot of humor. Let’s keep supporting each other, finding joy in the small moments, and creating new paths for friendship and fulfillment.
With much love, understanding, and the occasional hot flash,
A Fellow Military Spouse, Master of Finding Friends in Unlikely Places, and Perimenopause Survivor in Training and part of the small percentage over 40
