Burnout: The Toll of Doing it All

In Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, the authors talk about the emotional and physical exhaustion so many women experience as they juggle life’s overwhelming demands. As the spouse of a service member, burnout takes on a different meaning for me. I’m constantly managing the unique stresses of military life while trying to handle the day-to-day responsibilities of being a wife, mother, and the person who keeps the household running.

The Desire to Be Everything for Everyone

As a military spouse, I often find myself playing multiple roles. I try to be the solid foundation for my family, making sure everything at home runs smoothly while dealing with my own high-stress environments. For my kids, I want to be there for everything—helping with homework, attending every event, and maintaining a stable household despite the unpredictability of military life and frequent relocations. At the same time, I still want to nurture my own identity, whether through work, school, or hobbies. It’s no surprise that trying to do it all can quickly become overwhelming.

The Nagoski sisters talk about “human giver syndrome,” the feeling that women are expected to give endlessly, often neglecting their own needs in the process. I see this so clearly in my life. I feel like I’m supposed to be the support system, the dependable spouse, the all-knowing parent, and the glue that holds everything together. But while I’m busy taking care of everyone else, I often forget to take care of myself. (I know we can all relate to this)

Burnout as a Military Spouse

Burnout is not just about being tired. It’s when stress piles up over time, becoming consistent and unable to manage. It creeps in as emotional exhaustion, a loss of accomplishment, and sometimes even feelings of detachment. There are days when I feel isolated, especially when I’m far from family or friends. The pressure to “hold down the fort” while my spouse is away is alot, and it often feels like if I don’t hold everything together, it will all fall apart.

The stress of being a military spouse never fully goes away. Whether it’s deployments, frequent moves, or the constant worry about my spouse’s safety, there’s a level of background anxiety that becomes part of everyday life. Unlike other types of stress that come and go, this one feels constant, always simmering in the background.

Breaking the Cycle

In Burnout, the authors emphasize the importance of completing the stress cycle essentially allowing your body and mind to process and release stress before it builds up. But as a military spouse, I find that I often push through without taking time to decompress. I keep going, trying to meet everyone’s needs, but never fully addressing my own.

The Nagoskis suggest things like physical activity, deep breathing, and social connection to combat burnout. These might sound like basic self-care tips, but for someone like me, they can feel like indulgences. Finding time for myself is challenging when I’m balancing so many responsibilities. But I’m learning that making time for myself is not just a luxury, it is essential. I need to take care of myself if I’m going to continue being there for everyone else.

Asking for Help

There’s an expectation that military spouses are resilient, that we can manage whatever life throws our way. But sometimes that expectation makes it hard to ask for help. I’ve felt guilty for even needing support, as if I should be able to handle everything on my own. But I’m learning that asking for help doesn’t mean I’ve failed; it means I’m human.

Leaning on my community has become a lifeline. Whether it’s through other military spouses, friends, or family, having a support network helps ease the burden of trying to do it all alone. It’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay to need support.

Finding Balance

Finding balance between taking care of my spouse, kids, and myself is a constant work in progress. I’m learning that setting boundaries is necessary. It means letting go of the idea that I have to manage everything by myself. Sometimes, prioritizing self-care means scheduling time for a walk, finding a quiet moment to read, or taking a class that brings me joy and helps me reconnect with who I am.

Burnout is not a reflection of personal weakness, and it’s not something I have to suffer through. As a military spouse, I’ve often put everyone else first, but I’m beginning to understand that my strength comes from my ability to take care of myself, too. Finding that balance is key to navigating the unique challenges of military life without losing myself in the process. Taking care of myself doesn’t just benefit me—it makes me better equipped to care for those I love.