June is Infertility Awareness Month, a time to bring light to the challenges and struggles people face when trying to have a baby. Many people around the world deal with infertility, but it’s often not addressed appropriately. This month, let’s start the conversation, share our experiences, and support each other. Many people think infertility only affects a few people, but it actually impacts about 48.5 million couples. I personally have a journey with infertility that took my husband and I 4 long years to have our daughter. The exact medical specifics aren’t important, but the roller coaster of feelings I experienced are because I know how valid these emotions are for others, too.
Understanding infertility
Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after a year of regular, unprotected intercourse. It affects 1 in 8 couples in the U.S. alone. Both men and women can face infertility issues, which can stem from various factors such as hormonal imbalances, age, lifestyle, and medical conditions.
My Personal Story
My personal story with infertility took my husband and I to an infertility specialist, where I needed two surgeries before I could conceive. The medications I took had a big impact on my body and mind. It was hard to see others have children easily, and I often wondered why it wasn’t happening for us. Even after having my daughter, I lost my uterus at a young age.
Every month, I was on hormones and medications to stimulate my ovaries, and when it ended in a period and no baby, it was devastating. I gained 5 pounds every month because of the medications. Most of the infertility treatments were not covered by insurance, so we had to pay out of pocket for a large chunk, adding financial stress to an already tough situation.
I often felt upset seeing people who didn’t want their kids or neglect them, being able to conceive so easily. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother and had to work so hard to have a baby. It felt incredibly unfair that those who seemed indifferent to parenthood could have children without any struggle, while I faced so many obstacles. This disparity was heartbreaking and made me question why something I desired so deeply was so difficult to achieve.
People’s comments were sometimes the hardest part. One person asked me, “What if it never works, then what are you going to do?” That question hit me hard and really stung. In the last month of trying, I had what is called implantation bleeding, so I thought I wasn’t pregnant. I soon found out I was expecting twins, though we lost one very early on (first 5 weeks early on) in what is called vanishing twin syndrome or VTS. I know in my soul that one was a little boy and I think about him all the time. Even though he was with me for such a short time, I still morned his loss. Now, I have my beautiful daughter, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Every single tear and every single medication was worth it ten times over!!
Even after my daughter was born, some comments still hurt. People say things like, “You only have one?” or “You wouldn’t understand how crazy it is to have more children because you only have one,” or “Don’t you want to give her a sibling?” These comments can sting because they don’t understand the journey, we went through to have our daughter. I am now far enough removed from the early days when those comments would hurt me a little bit, and they no longer bother me because I know people mean well. However, I will never forget how it felt when the wound was still fresh, and their words stung a bit more.
Best ways to support a loved one or a friend going through infertility
- Listen- sometimes, listening and being present is the most helpful thing you can do. Let them share their feelings without trying to solve the problem.
- Respect their privacy- some people may not want to talk about their infertility journey all the time. Respect their boundaries and let them share as much or as little as they’re comfortable with.
- Avoid insensitive comments- be mindful of what you say. Avoid making comments like: “just relax and it will happen” or “why don’t you just adopt?” These are hurtful’ especially if you have not experienced them yourself.
- Support their decisions- respect any decisions they make regarding their treatment or family-building options, whether it’s continuing treatment, pursuing adoption, or choosing to live child-free.
- Provide distraction- sometimes, they might need a break from thinking about infertility. Plan fun activities or outings to provide a distraction and give them a chance to relax and have fun.
- Respect their grief- infertility can bring up feelings of grief and loss. Be sensitive to their emotions and offer support as they navigate these feelings.
- Continue to support after pregnancy- if they do become pregnant or decide to stop treatment, continue to offer support. Pregnancy after infertility can bring its own set of challenges, and they may still need your understanding and encouragement.
(After I gave birth due to all the stress and hormones I suffered from some pretty bad PPD with OCD read that article here)
This Infertility Awareness Month and every other month, let’s join together to support people dealing with infertility. Share your story, listen to others. By working together, we can make the world more understanding and compassionate.
If you’re going through infertility, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to feel frustrated and sad. Reach out for support, talk to others who understand, and take care of yourself. Your journey is important, and there are people who care and want to help.
A few other resources Fertility Out loud and American Society for Reproductive Medicine
Take care of yourself.
