The Great American: A Better Country Starts at Home

A couple of years ago, I was privileged to work with a very inspiring group of young people. They were committed to making positive change in our country in a way that I definitely wasn’t at their age. At the end of my time working with them, I thanked them.

“We don’t use this phrase enough as a compliment anymore,” I told them, “But you’re great Americans.”

Great American vs. Good Enough Mom

By “Great American,” I mean citizens who believe in this country enough to envision a better future for everyone. These young men and women were passionate about ending violence against women and ensuring equality for minorities and LGBTQ Americans. I told them that their drive to live their values in their early twenties had inspired me.

Standing on a busy city block as I said goodbye to them, I told them they had galvanized me to listen more to the lived experiences of people who are different from me. I pledged to do my best to make my little part of the world more just and peaceful.

Of course, I meant everything I said that day. I’ve strived mightily to live up to those words.

Admittedly, it was a fairly grandiose, abstract goal. To paraphrase The Brothers Karamazov, I was in love with Americans in general, but I struggled to love individual Americans in particular. Really particular. As in, my own family.

Our culture doesn’t talk much about the Great American anymore, but it is very affirming of the “Good Enough” parent.

Social media accounts aimed at moms love to tell us that we’re all “surviving” parenthood, that we’re all in the trenches. We all yell at our kids, online mom culture tells us – it’s fine, kids are little terrorists!

How many encouraging Instagram posts have you seen from people you’ve never met telling you that no matter what you feed your kids or how much screen time you give them, you’re doing great, Mom. 

Except that I’m definitely not. 

If I’m being honest, on average, I’m an okay mom. The operative word is “average.” That means on a given day, if you aggregate all of my very best parenting moments with my real low points, I’m doing just okay.

My kids definitely get too much screen time. And how many times have I lost it with someone at dinner for not eating their vegetables when I let them have a granola bar an hour before just so they’d leave me alone? I’m working on it, but I like to be clear-eyed about my own shortcomings and strengths. 

It isn’t enough to aspire to be a Great American in an abstract way. How are we as parents supposed to give our kids a more just and peaceful country if we can’t clean our own homes, literally and figuratively? 

I realized I had to begin with the end in mind. The fact is, I do the majority of my important life moments with the people who live in my home. To make this country a better place, then I have to give my all to my husband and kids to create a peaceful and just environment for them. 

As moms, it’s our job to set an example for our kids of what harmonious living looks like. If we’re all just getting through the day, I’m not quite sure when the grand work of healing America’s manifold divisions and leaving our children a better country is supposed to happen.

Yet Even a Great American and Good Enough Mom Needs a Break

Having said that, I’m not advocating you transform your home into some kind of nationalistic monastery. Obviously, self-care is important, especially during a pandemic after months of lockdown. Those revitalizing practices and pleasures that comprise the breaks from our work are essential.

However, I don’t think they should be our end game. That glass of wine, that Netflix binge, the Zoom calls with friends – they should recharge you to get back out and rejoin the fight for a safer, more fair country for our kids. Because to be a Great American and to create a better country and world, it starts at home. It starts with our daily actions; in how we raise our children; and how we develop the next generation to do even better than we had. Those inspiring young people I mentioned above show me that we have the capability and can do this.

In the final analysis, to be a Great American is little more than working to be the best whatever-you-are: friend, employee, spouse, and yes, mom.